Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Follow Your Dreams, No Matter How Many People You Have To Take Out On The Way Down

A more appropriate epitaph for Yolande Beckles you'd be hard-pressed to find. After all, she took out a lot of people (in both literal and metaphorical senses) on her way up - and carried on taking them out during the long slide downwards after the collapse of her empire.
It's clearly not a mantra you'd offer to children, though. There's no way you'd want to associate kids with this sort of egomaniacal and merciless view of life, even if it was tongue-in-cheek. Any more than you'd associate them with people who advertise themselves as having "killed their actress, kidnapped a kid and set fire to", or have their development activities promoted by the "sexy, deep, soft, seductive, flirty, girl-next-door" who "does a great Wicked Witch" and who lists Dirty Harry, Taxi Driver, Cape Fear, In Cold Blood, Night of the Hunter, Who's Afraid Of Virginia Wolf, Carnival of Souls, The Brain That Wouldn't Die, Diva and Betty Blue amongst her favourite movies. And if you were concerned for the safety and welfare of children, you might chose to stay well away from the nightmare Perfect Choice Internet Dating Service.

Chantal Boccaccio advertising Plan B SkateboardsAnd I'm sure you wouldn't consider marketing youth development services using someone whose related videos on Funny Or Die include one about Adolf Hitler getting upset on hearing of Sarah Palin's resignation and another in which the former Alaskan Governor "struts that ass". Someone who describes one of their own videos as "a total piece of crap, but a piece of crap with a message: Don't be afraid to whore out your hampster for YouTube hits! If you're six, you'll love it!" and who once performed what might be perceived by many to be a simulated orgasm with the mechanical aid of a 32" piece of varnished plywood in a skateboard advertisement (see left).

Or would you..?

It's time for me to introduce y'all to Chantal Boccaccio.

Before I go any further, let me make clear that the 29-yr-old who penned the satirical title of this blog post is a comedienne, or at least that's her self-description. She's not pro-violence, a supporter of child kidnapping or other abuse and nor is she a pornography model. To suggest any of these would not only be false but almost certainly libellous. But Chantal Boccaccio has produced and published material which employs all of these themes within a comedic context. And you must decide whether that makes her a fit and proper person to be engaged in the promotion of children's services.

So, why would I have the remotest interest in this oddball independent short film director, script-writer, bit-part advert actress and voice-over queen? What has the self-styled "Girl Of A Thousand Faces" (Funny Or Die), "Guerilla Filmmaker" (No Fly Zone Pictures), "Naughty Schoolgirl" (YouTube) and "Swinger" (MySpace) got to do with Yolande Beckles?

Well, for a start, she likes writing messages in support of our international fraudster. "This summer", she wrote, "I worked with Yolande Beckles and saw for myself how amazing she is at teaching children. Amazing is too soft a word. These are underprivileged children who'd have been completely forgotten by our deplorable school system, were it not for Yolande. From 6 to sixteen, what these children experienced, learned and retained was nothing short of remarkable. US parents consider Yolande a godsend, and have showered her with letters of gratitude."
Chantal in anti-Palin campaign

More recently she sent me the following message of support for the funds diverter: "Yolande Beckles is a tireless champion of American Education. If you're unconvinced, I'll be happy to send you my documentary, as well as hundreds of letters from the grateful American parents who call Yolande an angel. You've never seen anything as heartwarming and hopeful as Yolande's children, who would have been forgotten were it not for her heroic efforts."

If you're so deeply cynical that you've already started to head down one particular wrong path, let me assure you that (as far as I know) Chantal and Yolande aren't having a lesbian relationship. No, it's far more sordid than that. It's a commercial partnership. The Yolande Beckles Think Global Kids documentary is about to be launched... and here's the promo:

"One British woman is fighting for the future of America's children", reads the risible tagline. I guess we all know who that British wonder woman is, even without her daughter Diandra appearing 51 seconds into the video. "Yolande Beckles came to America from the UK so her daughter could go to Harvard and fulfill her dream of becoming an astronaut. While here, she realized our school system was in deplorable condition, and vowed to do something about it. Now she's fighting for the future of our children. Parents are thrilled with Yolande's program. In the words of one mother: "I spent a fortune on my daughter's education, and she still couldn't read. Yolande taught my daughter how to read in six weeks!" Thanks to Yolande and Think Global Kids, one hundred more American children have a chance at graduating." Chantal Boccaccio's children's violins are tugging at my heart-strings. Even more than her pert breasts are tugging at my G-strings.

There's another organisation that may be more than a little bit interested in the launch of Think Global Kids in Los Angeles. I mentioned Global Kids way back in my first blog post, as a group that could just consider Yolande's latest venture as involving the tort of passing off. Quite apart from the name and objectives, take a look at the NYC-based organisation's main registered trademark image and now take a look at this frame from the TGK promo video. If, like me, you are busting yourself waiting for the full launch of Think Global Kids... keep watching this space.


  1. Any chance of some skateboarding lessons?

  2. So am I understanding you right or am I being thick? This maker of surreal, mock violent and semi-pornographical videos is responsible for the launch promotion of the organisation Yolande Beckles has set up to rescue America's children? Has anyone warned the Iranians and North Koreans? Is Abby Titmuss also involved? Is Simon Cowell behind it all? Will the kids have to eat worms before being allowed out of school?